I’m warning you in advance that today I’m talking about something that you will not find many blog posts on. After all, many bloggers focus their blogs on being happy, enjoying life, being the best mom/sister/friend/person they could possibly be.
I try to do that on a regular basis in this space. For the past two years of my life I have practiced gratitude on a daily basis (often multiple times a day). I have looked for the good in the bad and accepted that things will not always be as they are. Each day over the past two years (starting with our IVF in April 2012), I have prayed for God’s will and been willing to accept that whatever happens is part of the greater plan.
Overall, I have done well with accepting the events which have been placed in front of me. I’ve got up each day, tackled my tasks and just kept moving. My mantra has always been Get Up, Get Dressed and Show Up. Eventually, things fall into a new rhythm and pace. A new normal.
I questioned if I was depressed (I have every right to be). I did all of my assessments and reminded myself of the emotional events I have gone through. I practiced all of my self care activities of exercising, journal writing, reaching out to friends (see below). I saw a short amount of improvement and then “The Funk” returned.
To make matters worse, all of my typical support system outside of my husband were also going through their own struggles of being overworked, sick children, battling sickness to the point some weren’t even able to return e-mails.During this time I also couldn’t help but think of the friends who had never been around for anything and the others who were willing to see me but only when it fit into their schedule. Also my college students returned from Spring Break and basically had shut down their ability to think.
I’m writing this today to perhaps help someone else who needs to spend some time basically acknowledging that events in their life aren’t great. Just as it is important to find the blessings, we also need to truly acknowledge the pain that we are going through. Being mentally healthy involves owning your story and your pain.
Part of the struggle with grief is that most grievers do not feel they can be honest with their emotions. Others are uncomfortable with the painful feelings and thus the griever often doesn’t acknowledge how he or she is feeling on a personal basis.
Even though I have known I needed to sit and simply feel sorry for myself, it’s been a struggle. It feels bad and I don’t want to be here but I know that in order to move forward I must take off this proverbial coat and acknowledge what I have gone through. I am not someone who believes in wallowing in self pity.
I can already feel the movement towards the future. (Which is a positive sign). My habits of finding the blessings come even when I don’t try.
Each of us go through difficult times in our lives and we can not compare our losses and say that one is greater than another. I do not know what you may be dealing with but I want to also give you permission to have a pity party of your own. Feel sorry for yourself, acknowledge that it is horrible and it sucks, spend a day watching bad tv (I spent a few hours), avoid the housework, list it all out, cry if you can (I’ve finally been able to cry a little).