One of the reasons we chose our neighborhood to build in was the preservation of green space throughout the development. I love having two ponds nearby along with natural wetlands and open spaces. Having water nearby of any sort can be calming and I always find myself stopping to appreciate the water when I am out for a walk.
Fortunately, over the past few days Kentucky had weather where I was able to get outside with only a fleece jacket. During my walks I found myself more drawn to the water and particularly to the beautiful ducks. The above picture was taken Sunday and they gracefully float across the water as if it is no effort at all to stay afloat.
As I stood there watching my little friends, it reminded me of the handout I would provide to my grief clients. I never provided it to a grieving individual who did not 110% agree with it.
As I approach the year anniversary of Mom’s death next month, I find this to be more true of myself. Over the past few weeks I have been thinking more about what was going on this time last year. What appointments were we going to? How was her orientation? I am not even sure how I was functioning.
I’ve found myself questioning. Did I do the right things? Should I have stopped working sooner? Did I depend too much upon my Nanny (she told me she was going to care for my Mom until she couldn’t). I am aware that all of this is normal. To remember, to question, to wonder.
As the body often remembers traumatic events, I have begun to find my own body responding with anxiety that it didn’t have a few weeks ago. Subconsciously, it is aware of the countdown of days until the anniversary. Then I will walk into a world where a year ago, she was no longer with me.
I must remind myself that although the months have passed, I have had to deal with so much that my emotions are only now beginning to come through. I worry, as most grieving individuals do, that at the one year mark others will expect me to be “back to normal” or “over it”.
Again, I remind myself that my thoughts are normal and my grief will take as long as it needs to take.
I am like my friends on the pond, you would look at me as see someone who appears calm and put together. It is only on the inside that I am doing all that I can to stay afloat at times.
I’m thankful for my ducks – they remind me that I can do this.
Sheryl is a transition coach, trainer and speaker from Lexington Kentucky. As the author of the blog How to Make A Life, she uses her own life and journey as a blueprint to help others find motivation, inspiration and hope for a healthy and happy life. About Twitter Instagram Pinterest