Although my last post was positive in regards to looking forward to the future and what is out there, I must admit that over the past few days I have felt like a two year old on the verge of a major temper tantrum.
If only I could stand in the aisle of Kroger or Target and just scream – or even in my house for that matter. I’ve told clients to do it (not at the store mind you). I’ve also told clients to break things in a safe manner. (glass breaking can be very therapeutic if done in the proper and safe manner) I’m not at the place where I can do it yet.
I’ve never been much of a complainer. I just deal with what is put in front of me. My motto has always been that you can’t change it, deal with it. Pretty much like the whole perspective issue I have been talking about. Also, I don’t really think I was much of temper tantrum type of girl when I was younger. The temper tantrum department went to my brother and I can remember being so embarrassed. I’ve been the good girl all of my life – do what is expected and not create problems. I think I’m just tired of it all and tonight’s post will be my vent or pseudo written temper tantrum to the world.
So currently I’m dealing with lots of things I simply do not want to do – some are related to grief – well really, I think all of them are related to my grief. However, I want to note that I have been doing all of the things I didn’t want to do.
I DON”T WANT to try and act as if I am OK with everything. I have gone to meetings, trainings, made myself go grocery shopping, errand running and I haven’t wanted to do any of it. But I do because it needs to be done, CEU’s need to be obtained and meetings have to happen. There are days when I am just not doing OK and sadly, there is little that anyone can do to help me.
I DIDN’T WANT to water my out door plants, run the vacuum, or dust or clean my kitchen. But I did because I have some OCD tendencies and I can’t stand a messy dirty house, enjoy the flowers and plus my in-laws were coming over. I also make my bed everyday because I can remember using whether I made the bed as a judge of my mood after the miscarriage. If I didn’t make it, I was sad and depressed. If I made it, my mood was better. ( There is nothing theoretical behind that)
I DIDN’T WANT to work out with my friend the other night because for the first time since my Nanny’s death, I didn’t leave the house all day. No make-up, hair piled on my hair. She reminded me I would feel better. Yeah, I know that but I didn’t want to look presentable. (I’m thinking my words were that I was scary). I didn’t work out with her but she did give me the incentive to workout with a DVD at home. I DID feel better- but I still DIDN’T WANT TO do it.
I DON’T WANT TO start selling my Mom’s things. I truly just want it all to be done for me and I’m seriously thinking about that option. However, I haven’t been able to even call our family friend who is a Realtor. I just DON’T WANT TO! I have sold some pieces to my friends and friends of my Mom. It makes it somewhat easier to send pieces off with someone you know.
I DON’T WANT to start preparing for the Fall classes I am going to teach. I am so thankful for the opportunity to teach on the college level and I will enjoy it once classes begin. I have always loved teaching. However, making myself get motivated is one of the biggest challenges I have had in awhile. Actually, I am probably further along than I give myself credit but I am also a perfectionist and in my mind I am never where I should be.
I DON’T WANT to be on this Gluten and Dairy Free diet. However, I know that I feel better by not having that bread or cheese or glass of wine. It just SUCKS, but I remind myself that the reward is worth it (or at least it better be).
I DON’T WANT to care about what other people think I should be doing or haven’t already done etc. etc. However, there is that part of me that has to continuously say “They haven’t been what you have been through.” It’s so sad that a grieving individual has to deal with the unrealistic expectations of others. Even a simple questions such as “What have you been doing?” can make me anxious at times. The self talk wants to think they must think I’m not doing anything. In reality, they just want to know what has been going on.
Basically, I could tell you that I DON’T WANT to do most everything right now. Then, I would likely turn around and do it, particularly if it is something that needs to be done, or is good for me.
I DON’T WANT to grieve but I know that I must and that someday what I am feeling now will not be.
In life there are many things that we DON’T WANT to do. It’s up to each of us to decide what we
should need to force ourselves to do. Even from this post, it is easy to see that often the reward is greater than not wanting to do something. Over the coming months I know that this feeling of not wanting to will lessen. For tonight, I just DON’T WANT TO!!
Hoping that you can get through the things you don’t want to do this week.