I had to stop and remind myself how many years have gone by. The time of the past three years has been warped and for a moment this year I found myself asking where did the grief of the multiple losses in my life go? I had reached the point in my life where grief was no longer an ever present emotion in my daily life.
I have developed new routines and created a new normal. Just as I have shared with clients that this would happen, it had also happened for me. However, just as I warn to expect triggers, the triggers of Fall memories remind me that grief continues to be a part of my life.These memories return at times to remind me of where I have been on this journey.
My grief journey began in the summer of 2012 with a miscarriage. After years of infertility, we were feeling successful and just as our infertility was unexplained so was the miscarriage. We had made plans to try again only to feel it wasn’t the right time. I passed the miscarriage date this year simply knowing what day it was. I was not stopped by pain or sadness but simply able to acknowledge the loss and remember the events of the two days.
I was hopeful that this fall I would not be stopped as much by the memories of my Mom being diagnosed with cancer. The memories do not stop me but they are prevalent and I am reminded that the grief has not left me. I am stronger than I have been in years past, but the sadness of this time remains for me.
Grieving is not something that one does once and never returns to.
I have not actively written about my grief in sometime. At times this act has been purposeful. This space is about making a life, finding balance and happiness. However, the space originated because I wanted others to know that grief is normal and natural and something that everyone will encounter. I will be one of those who continues to discuss grief. as I feel I owe it to the world on a professional and personal basis.
Time has passed and no one asks me how I am doing. They assume I am doing ok.
Time has passed and it is only with a select few that I discuss my Mom or any of the losses.
Time has passed and no one remembers the trigger dates that I am and will be encountering.
Time has passed and I am doing ok but the grief emotions are still there.
I wanted to call my Mom last week. There was no particular reason other than I simply wished I could call her. I think of her as I drive by changing color of trees that she would always comment on or a song comes on the radio. My strong memory allows me to recall the upcoming days of her appointments, the surgery and the spiral of events.
As life does, my life has gone on since her death. My Mom would not know the world I now live in. I have started my own business and have a different career path. James and I have traveled. I drive a new car. There are daily things I wish I could ask her but I have developed a new routine of finding the answers.
Although grief is still a part of my life, I am empowered by the growth I have seen in myself. Just as I witnessed the growth in clients, I have seen it in myself. This blog has been a public journal for my grief journey and will continue to be as the years move forward.
So I remind myself that it has been three years since everything began. If our baby had lived, he would be three in January (we did not know the sex but something tells me he was a boy). If Mom were still alive, I hope she would be enjoying the retirement she did not get to.
Life often takes you where you do not expect to go. It is important to grieve the detours but equally important to recognize that the new normal can bring just as much happiness and joy.
I’m joining Emily’s Grateful Heart link up as I’m grateful for where I am on my journey.
Take some time today to be grateful for your own journey.