Grief Sneaks Up On You & The Real Reason I Cried Over a Basketball Game
I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried over the University of Kentucky’s basketball loss to Wisconsin in the semifinals of the Final Four. In Kentucky, basketball is in our blood. It doesn’t matter if you never attended or graduated from the University of Kentucky, this is the state’s team. (Sorry University of Louisville) The fans feel they know the players personally and everyone feels like they have a stake. This team was on the way to a perfect undefeated season. Throughout the season there had been close calls, overtime games, last minutes shots and some easy blow out wins. As the team entered the NCAA tournament and made it to the Final Four, fans were expecting to make it to the championship game. Thus, on Saturday night, as the game was in the final seconds and Wisconsin hit a three and fouls couldn’t help Kentucky get the ball back, I knew this season was over. The tears came before the game was over. I couldn’t even look at the screen. I know I wasn’t the only fan in Central Kentucky crying. James hugged me as I cried. The final seconds of the game ticked off and then he went upstairs. As I began to turn the lights and tv off I found myself crying again. The tears came easily and felt good to be released.
It was then that I acknowledged to myself that these tears were for more than a basketball game.
Over the past few weeks, memories of my Mom and Nanny have been constant. There have been many grief triggers that I have only occasionally mentioned or even acknowledged to myself.
- My Nanny loved Kentucky basketball and often taped the games to watch again (if it was a good game). With the passing of each win in the tournament, James and I would state how excited she would be and it made me miss checking in on her after a game.
- With the approaching Easter Holiday, I found myself craving my Mom’s Deviled eggs. She would always make them for family dinners and it was always hard to not eat them all. Sadly, I never wrote down her recipe (she always did it by memory and taste).
- It was also difficult for me making plans to spend the day with James’ family on Easter. Yes, I am grateful that I have them but nonetheless it seemed to highlight the absence of my own.
- During this time two years ago, my Nanny was diagnosed with her own cancer and I’m well aware of the dates and events that were going on.
- During this time three years ago we were hopeful and beginning our IVF cycle that was at first successful.
- As much as I love Spring, it’s also the season of family events such as Easter, Derby Day (hey, it’s Kentucky) Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Memorial Day. I’ve simply been missing what I used to have.
Although I am aware that over the course of two years I have coped with many life changes and transitions, I continue to criticize myself at times. I struggle with the thoughts that the rest of the world has forgotten what I have gone through: a miscarriage, two deaths, leaving a long term job, beginning a new job and attempting to follow my dreams. I struggle with the thoughts that others think that I am no longer grieving and feel that it is no longer appropriate to share my thoughts and feelings with anyone who isn’t a close intimate friend.
Thus when my basketball team lost, it was appropriate to cry but the initial tears opened the dam to others that I had not allowed out.
The grief counselor in me knows two years is not that long of a time and that grief triggers can occur at any time. There are certain times of the year which are to be expected to be more difficult. It saddens me that even I struggle with the expectations of what society feels is appropriate with grief. Grieving individuals often feel they can not share their emotions with others whether it be immediately after a death or two years later. Our society prefers that we not share our pain and “get back to normal”. My hope is that by sharing my own struggle with my own normal grief emotions; others will become more comfortable with their own grief.
Grief is not something that one completes and never has to revisit.
We will grieve for those that we have lost for the rest of our lives. This is the price that we pay for the love we have been shown and given. However, with healing and healthy coping, we are able to create a new normal.
Grief triggers are to be expected regardless of the amount of time it has been since a death. At times they are to be expected such as holidays and others are a surprise such as song on the radio, a smell or a simple memory from nowhere.
Grief Sneaks up on you when you least expect it – and then you find yourself crying over a basketball game.
I have found myself crying over something that may seem silly at first but then it ultimately becomes for another reason altogether. Once there floodgates are open the tears just sometimes can’t stop. And in the end, it feels good and cathartic.
You are so correct. I think there are times we don’t even realize we need to cry until that something silly happens and then there is nothing to do other than letting it out.
This is so true and so beautifully written. I love the line that says you sometimes feel like the rest of the world has forgotten what you’ve gone through — I’ve felt that, too. So many kudos to you for honoring your grief and letting those tears out!
Thank You Meghan. I feel it is so important for those of us who have and are grieving to share with others what is normal. As a grief counselor, sometimes the biggest gift I could provide someone is a session is normalizing their emotions.
Thank you for writing this. I lost a man that I loved as well as a close friend within a couple months of each other. This was three years ago now, but as you said, sometimes something just triggers the sadness and pain and you just can’t believe that person isn’t there by your side anymore, or even on the face of the earth. Death is just so unthinkable. Without God and hope for a future, I wouldn’t have survived these last few years. Love that you’re writing “long and clearly about what hurts.” http://truthandtravels.blogspot.com
Thank You Rachel. Yes those triggers come when you least expect it. My goal is always help others to know that grief can be healthy and needs to be discussed and not held in as if it something not to be discussed.
I haven’t ever thought about grief in this way but you are so right. Praying for you in this season friend!
Thanks Sarah. It’s about realizing grief is very much something that goes with you whereever you go. There are times when it simply doesn’t let you forget it is there.
Thank you for this post. I think I especially needed the reminder that it’s normal for strong emotions to hit you at the oddest of times, even years after you’ve been through something significant. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.
I’m glad this was helpful Jenny. We will grieve for those we have lost for the rest of our lives but most days grief isn’t in the forefront. It’s when it hits you suddenly that you have to be kind to yourself and remember it is so normal to wish they were with you.
Thank you! So meaningful for the season I’m going through! Sometimes it catches me off guard when the tears sneak in, but just like you said, grief can hit us several ways at several times!
Just remember to be kind to yourself and take care of your needs – whatever they may be.
Yes! Easter is hard for me too as this time of year was my grandmother’s favorite. I visited her grave on Easter for the first time and it was so so hard, much more than I thought it would be. You’re so right, grief triggers are everywhere.
Easter has almost been harder than the other holidays for me. I know that going to the graveside for the first time had to be hard. I always warn people that seeing the gravestone with the name and dates truly makes the death real. Sending you hugs!!
My dad passed away in September, and this past Wednesday, for whatever reason, was especially hard for me. Like you say, I have “grief triggers,” that usually for me, seem to come out of nowhere. I’ll go for a while and be completely fine, and then go through a period of days where I can’t stop thinking about him. Something else I’ve noticed too is that society doesn’t really acknowledge the grief of an adult child, because the parent was older, and it is viewed as, “Well, they were old, they lived their life, it’s time to let them go.” While they never say those things out loud, as you said, you’re expected to go back to normal so quickly. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Visiting from the Saturday Soiree Linkup.
Trena, I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad – seven months is still such a short amount of time. I do agree with you that as adults we don’t necessarily get as much comfort from others. There is that expectation that we had our own lives now – but our parents are still important pieces in our lives. Those triggers can blindside you and it’s so important to remember that when it hits you. Take care of yourself. I’m so glad you stopped by.
HI. I found you at the Saturday Soire. I shared this valuable post on Twitter and G+. Thank you for sharing a post that says what is outward is not exactly what is on the inside. I think many people “miss” that fact. I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. My father died in 2013 also. But, we were estranged. So perhaps I was mourning both the concrete loss of him and the abstract loss of the chance to patch things up. But- there’s always time in Heaven. Blessings to you~
Meredith, I’m so sorry to hear about your father. You are right that when someone dies before the possibility of reconciling – we grieve multiple things. Take care of yourself and remember the mix of emotions. Thank you for sharing this post. I so appreciate connecting with and helping others with my own journey.
Spring is the same for me…both of my grandfathers died in the spring and my infant nephew died in the spring. Add that to Easter and the overwhelming feeling of God’s love in sending His Son to die for us and that we will all join with Him in heaven someday. And the beautiful Lenten and Easter hymns that we sing. I get choked up in the spring more than any other time of year.
Your post made a lot of sense to me. I do not often cry…but I can see something like a basketball game set me off with emotions & tears that have been held inside.
Hang in there… 🙂
I’m right there with you in regards that I am realizing Spring and Easter are both wonderful but also extremely difficult. Sometimes all it takes it something small to open up everything that has been held in. it’s amazing that after the game (and Easter), I have felt so much better. Thank you for stopping by and sharing.