How to Know Your Grief is Normal
There is no right or wrong way to grieve – simply healthy and unhealthy ways of coping.
No two individuals will grieve the same way and family members will each respond differently to a loss. It does not mean one is not “grieving correctly.” Understanding the typical responses to grief can be helpful.
Grief is Physical
- Difficulty sleeping (problems getting to sleep, staying asleep or sleeping too much)
- More illness than usual as your immune system is weakened from stress
- Appetite changes (no appetite or too much)
- Difficulty breathing – check to see if you are holding your breath. This can occur as you are overly anxious from what you have experienced.
You should care for your physical body by attempting to get sleep. Without sleep, everything is off and we are not allowing our bodies to heal. Many benefit from taking an over the counter sleep aid which helps to get the body back into a rhythm. If this doesn’t work, see a physician. Try to eat one good meal a day and begin to do something physical such as take a walk and stretch.
Grief is Emotional
- Crying, feeling sad,
- Feeling angry (at anyone, your loved one for dying, others for being alive, God)
- Feeling anxious (expecting something else to happen)
- Worrying about other family members and loved ones
- At first you may find yourself constantly thinking about your loved one who has died and asking “What if”. Replaying events with different approaches is our mind’s way of hoping to have control over a situation where there was no control.
You should feel what you need to feel. However, if you are finding your emotions and thoughts to be extreme and difficult to control you may want to discuss with a professional.
Grief is Spiritual
Regardless of your religious belief system, death forces us to think about a higher power (or lack of). Questioning an after life is not abnormal as is the fact of questioning why the death/illness had to happen.
Spiritually You May:
- Question if there is a God
- Be angry at God
- Be unable to return to church (church can be a very emotional place after a death)
- You may begin to explore other realms of spirituality and find comfort in different view points. (I have found this to often be very true for many individuals)
You should allow yourself to explore what you need to explore on a spiritual basis. If you are angry at God – let him know. He already knows it and simply needs for you to say it. It is not wrong to be angry at God as we have been given the ability to have a variety of emotions. God is big enough for your angry. Additionally, don’t feel bad about exploring different viewpoints. Different perspective can bring peace and a greater understanding.
Grief is Social
I word it in this manner because grief affects everyone in some capacity. The Western Culture is a death defying culture and as a result many individuals do not know how to respond when one is terminally ill or when there has been a death. Grieving individuals feel alone at times and often feel as if others want them to “get back to normal”.
Socially You May Find
- You may have multiple offers to stay busy and attend events. You may or may not feel like being around others for some time after a death.
- Your personal space may change and you find it difficult to be around large crowds
- Support may often come from places you least expected. Many people find that their closest friends do not know how to support them while acquaintances become strong support systems in grief.
You should: Do what feels right to you in regards to social events. It may be several months before you feel like being around social groups. After all, when you are grieving it can be difficult to be in situations where everyone is “happy”. Eventually, you will want to try getting out and may start with a dinner with one or two friends. You will feel hurt over the friends who could not provide support and only you will be able to determine what relationship you will have with them.
Grief Has No Timeline
The reality is that there is not a “How To” manual in regards to grief. You will need to feel and experience in the time that it takes you.
There is not a magic timeline with checklists to complete and there isn’t a “speed” version.
However, if you allow yourself to experience these sometimes painful emotions, you will make it through this difficult journey. I hope my own journey can be beneficial to your own.
I realized I was holding my breath as I was readint this! Very well written. I am going to share this with my mom. Such a great resource Sheryl!
Thank you Shauna – I’m so glad you are going to share it. We tend to forget small things like our breathing. (Next week I plan on talking about how to take a deep breath)
I’m sure this was not the easiest post to write, but you wrote it very well!
Thanks for linking up with Jack of All Trades!
Thanks Chantel! I find writing about grief to be therapeutic
This is good! Thanks for sharing – I need it as I grieve! I definitely have learned there is no timeline!!!
I’m so glad it’s helpful for you. Take care of yourself as you grieve.
“There is no right or wrong way to grieve – simply healthy and unhealthy ways of coping.” – This is said so, so perfectly. I needed this read today… two friends lost their boyfriends this week, and my heart has had trouble with grief (I lost my own boyfriend back in ’08). I needed the reminder of knowing if grief is normal, so thank you! {stopped by from the Jack of All Trades link-up}
Caitlin, I’m so sorry for your loss. With the losses your friends have had in the past week, it brings back your own emotions (often as if it were just yesterday). I’m so glad you stopped by and this was helpful. Take Care.