I’m running away. Packing my bags and going on a vacation for the first time without my husband (we both love to travel but we always do it together). Right now, I’m running away to my friend in the Florida Keys. When Mom died – her words to me were “Make your Mom’s funeral arrangements and then make a plane reservation to come to me.” I”m certain that having this trip planned has helped me to keep going.
For weeks, she has been sending me text pictures of sunrises, sunsets and recently she began the countdown of how many days it will be until I am there. It’s too early for her to send today’s number 3, so I’m including yesterday’s number.
She also sent me this picture last Saturday morning – welcoming me to my new life and stated the future is bright.
I can’t wait to be there – to see her. However, I feel overwhelmed with what I need to be doing until I fly out on Monday. I need to pull out my summer clothes – and see if I fit into them, buy more clothes if I need them. I also need to complete more to do’s for Mom’s estate before I leave. As I write this out, I know it doesn’t seem as big of a list as it appears in my brain.
But my brain is full – with things to complete, visits to make to my grandmother (who I am worried about), and then there is that emotional stuff that I continue to push back and not allow myself to feel. Although I am a crier (or I used to be), I still haven’t had what I consider to be a good cathartic breakdown. I have moments – a few tears, and then I pull it together, go on to the next task. I know the moment will come when it needs to come – I’m just hoping it isn’t someplace inappropriate. Of course, right now I don’t even know where that would be.
I’ve had a few moments – like at the bank when I had to cancel my mom’s credit cards. I specifically went to the bank to work with a manager that my husband and I both know well – if you think you might cry – plan to be around people where you know it will not matter and they will be supportive.. I did fine with the estate paperwork but when I had to confirm with the credit card representative on the phone, I wanted to cry. For one brief moment, cancelling her cards felt like I was cancelling her. She existed, She was here. I was able to hold back the tears.
I almost cried yesterday waiting to have her taxes completed. I was upset because I was waiting longer than I felt I needed to. I didn’t want to be doing her taxes. However, I didn’t cry – just felt like it.
Eventually, there will be a breakdown. I really haven’t had one since October/November when she was diagnosed. I am smart enough to know it will probably be over something simple – a broken glass, ripped hem. I remember when my dad died that I didn’t cry at all until we returned home from the funeral. I was changing and the shoulder strap of my favorite sundress ripped as I was taking it off. The tears will eventually come – I just hope it’s with someone I trust.
I’m having more dreams than I normally do but none of them are about Mom. I haven’t felt her presence but I”m OK with that for now. As I said, I think my brain is so full that I am not open to feeling her presence right now. Last night’s dream was that I was coming from a board meeting (don’t know which one as I currently don’t have a board appointment) and I was driving home but suddenly I had no lights on my SUV and I was on a dark road. I’m going to interpret this as I can’t see exactly where I am going. When I’m awake, I’m OK with the fact that I don’t know what is next. Subconsciously, I suppose I am trying to work this fact out in my dream.
I didn’t work it out – as I woke up. I’m going to be OK with that for now – as my brain is full.